Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
liiiiiiiiike
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.