Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.