[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
blocked.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…