My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.