[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Saturday
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My love language is hissing.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”