20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
You Might Also Like
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs