I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector