Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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man i love columbo
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.