“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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just make the entire table out of coaster
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.