Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
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This bar smells like my childhood.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Oh. My. God.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm