I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs