Monday
You Might Also Like
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My blood type is coffee.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours