SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Nice try, poison.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.