Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Most people will give you their jacket if you鈥檙e naked and tell them you come from the future.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
my boss, the chef: you can鈥檛 beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Hotels be like, it鈥檚 $150 a night and you鈥檙e staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the 鉁╝esthetic馃憚 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 馃槷
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text