Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
A Short Story.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Wait for it
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.