[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
My plans: 2020:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Awesome parenting 😂
✌️
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.