The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me My dog
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.