How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
When someone says you are so lazy
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed