You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*