Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You Might Also Like
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Yup!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Always the camel, never the toe.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Always 🥴