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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.