If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.