Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
You Might Also Like
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
It’s a gift
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.