Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….