Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?