Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.