Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
A short story of betrayal:
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know