*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
What if all the cashiers are married?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”