STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?