If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?