If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith