Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.