I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
A small tragedy.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Whisper out to librarians!
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.