Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Ion see the issue
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.