Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings