Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
awkward
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)