Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.