I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.