When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo