Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”