I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
You Might Also Like
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I feel this so hard
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.