And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
This is a sub tweet
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed