Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Ghost costume 😂
Who called it baking and not making love
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.