Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
choose your fighter
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
peep davidson
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”