I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Never be a pizza!
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost