Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.