I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Has science gone too far?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns