Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
You Might Also Like
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.