[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.