My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The glockness monster
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.